Seven Minutes in Heaven [Movie, 1985]

Tagline: Being in Love is More Than . . . Seven Minutes in Heaven

The most perplexing (and perhaps only!) oversight in this movie is that there is not a scene in which the characters play Seven Minutes in Heaven. WTF!!

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Synopsis: Once upon a time there were three best friends: the wacky, libidinous one (Maddie Corman); the prudish, introspective one (Jennifer Connolly); and the rascally-yet-charming one (think Eddie Haskell–hey, I just realized that Haskell rhymes with rascal!). For fewer than 90 minutes, these pals participate in desperate and/or reticent attempts to ditch their respective virginities, anger their respective parents, and come to grips with their respective lacks of freedom. This is an exceptionally underrated film–not yet on DVD–but the ambitious among us can find the whole thing in 10-minute increments on Youtube. Score! Keep your eyes peeled for a cameo from Spalding Gray!

Every tortured boy dreams of dousing his step-father in gasoline OJ, am I right?

In the YA universe, your best chance at having any kind of depth as a girl character is to have recently lost your mother, who—as if by magic!—also happens to be the same age as you.

Well that’s a fine how-do-you-do! For a wiser girl, finding a boy in this state on her doorstep would be a red flag; for this girl, it’s a sign they should cohabitate.

Apparently when you’re a child of divorce, you must hide beneath the covers with a flashlight to covertly read the comics that speak to your unique plight.

When stalking a professional baseball player named Zoo Knudsen, the trick is to act natural.

How to seduce a professional baseball player in an Ohio strip mall: Ask to have a chunk off his cotton candy. Affix the chunk to your upper lip. Allow him to sensually ingest the mustache as a preview of what’s yet to come. Swoon.

When she gloats to her gal pal about this experience, she describes it as “a wonderful pain.”

Jennifer Connolly fantasizes about bitch slapping an Ohio senator for using the word “loggerhead.” You go girlfriend!

If slapping a senator is the entree, this is surely the dessert. What teen girl doesn’t dream of having a presidential aide mansplain politics to her in front of the White House? Somebody grab the smelling salts!

The quintessential “my folks are so square” moment.

Dad [accusingly]: What are you putting your girdle on for? We aren’t going to a nightclub.

Mom [as if it were so obvious]: Well I don’t want to look like an animal!

In this scene, an ever-appropriate tween asks a thirty-something sad bachelor to tell her what an orgasm with another person feels like. His answer? “Exquisite relief from torture.”

Who among us hasn’t woken to a “did we hook up?” moment with our best friend’s dad?

It’s idyllic scenes like this that make me wish I weren’t deathly afraid of rollerskating.

Here’s where the zany, libidinous one realizes in total shock: OMG it was this guy all along! Note to single guys in the audience who wish to speed this process along: take up fancy basketball tricks.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Seven Minutes in Heaven [Movie, 1985]

  1. Well that’s a fine how-do-you-do! For a wiser girl, finding a boy in this state on her doorstep would be a red flag; for this girl, it’s a sign they should cohabitate.

    Hahahahahaha!

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